Jiva to Atma

After the end of a long and very busy day, I sat upright in bed, next to the form of my sleepy boys. They were about to nod off and my day was finally done. The weight of all the burdens I had been carrying settled on my shoulders, and I found my breath coming in short spurts. There was a definite need to slow down and relax the body and mind a little. I know its time to restart the meditative practice…that is the only answer for my state of imbalance.

Even as I close my eyes, I dread the onslaught of thoughts that I will have to endure. The number of times I will get led away into the swirling maze of mind-work, before I pull myself back to breathing again. The very idea of it knots up my shoulders just a bit more. I try unsuccessfully, to shake it off and just stay put. Breathe in and out, in and out….and I notice how short my breaths have been. The very effort of trying to breathe slowly and deeply seemed to pressure my heart. I stick with it, and soon a little voice inside my head gives me little directions to follow. Release the tension from your shoulders. Tilt your head a bit further down. Don’t clench your hands so much. Looose. Loose. And so on. By now, the breathing is a bit more regular, but my mind has started to wander away. Its amazing how incongruously it shifts from the breathing focus to something else random, and how firmly it attaches itself to that thought and gets led away. Several seconds would have passed, before I even realise what has happened and attempt to lure it back gently to the breath once more. On and on, this cyclical process goes, but the voice in my head urges in a gentle way, and inspires me to be less violent in my reactions to my wayward mind.

Its about 10 minutes now, and I finally find it easier to stay with the breath. Thoughts still come and go, but my ability to observe them and steer my mind back, improves. I begin to get lost in a place I can’t identify. I can tell from the way an immense pressure builds in my forehead, making it distinctly uncomfortable for me to relax. Its just one step short of actual pain. A buzzing sound fills my ears, and accentuates the discomfort of that point. From time to time, it clears and I enjoy a respite while succumbing to the unique bliss of breathing deeply and intently. And while I am suspended in this short space of time, a thought comes to me. It is not the usual train of thought of things mundane, from the past or the future. It is clearer and the kind that gives you a better understanding, almost as if it is rising deep from the seat of wisdom to give perspective. I am able to recognise this different quality of thought because it is so beautiful in its clarity that I know it can’t be the product of my muddled mind.

The thought is this, and it tells me that the mind is very much like a child, and is to be regarded thus in understanding its nature in order to know how to train it. If we treat our mind with respect, understanding and gentle love, it can be moulded ever so beautifully to the patterns of our innate discrimination. But if we try to assert instant control, with pressure and aggressiveness, it is going to be regressive and try to bound even more out of control than before. A point of illustration : Even in the process of the meditation that I was engaged in (rustic though my attempts are)….I had to treat my mind with respect and gentleness, whenever it wandered off into thought. By this I mean that I had to understand that the mind was following its natural impulses to be wayward, and it is important to acknowledge and accept this, while gently calling it back to focus. When I thus gave myself the gift of acceptance and love, I have a better chance of regaining control. But if I were to put pressure on my mind that it HAD TO stay with the breath and NOT FLIT AWAY with thought, that is exactly what it is going to do.

So the mind is like a child. You have to give it love. Understanding. Time. Patience. Loving effort. Grounding. And that is the only way to have any kind of mastery over it!

A nice sunny afternoon and I had left the kids home with the in-laws to go watch a movie with my sister. Kismet Konnections it was to be. A movie outing is always a cheery prospect and with my sister for company, its like the best treat in the world! I was in great spirits and so was she.

Aps is a very new devotee of Swami. She came into his fold with curiosity after hearing about His amazing grace from all my experiences and was investing a little bit more of her devotion with each day. And as our conversations often do, it veered around to Swami this time too, in the auto and being in the playful mood that I was, mentally asked Swami to give me some tangible signs of His omnipresence. I don’t want any regular God pictures, I told Him in my heart….It has to be a clear sign that is is YOU.

 I told her of my request and we began looking out on the road and passing billboards etc for the said sign. For awhile, nothing happened. And I was wondering if I was being too cheeky, and if this was His way of treating that, when suddenly my eyes saw a sign and the inner voice in my heart confirmed that it was indeed from Him. Sign-o-rama…a shop name said.

It took a while to sink in, the significance of that first sign, and when it did, I chuckled out loud. It seemed like a typical sign of His sense of humour, the one I had heard so much about in the Geeta Ram Mohan talks. I pointed it out to her and she gave me that Oh my God, I don’t believe it…look.

I kept my eyes tuned for more….I was greedy for more. We passed by many street paintings of various Gods, and I rejected all of them, telling Him…no no…not this stuff, it has to be different.

My mind began to wander and I started thinking about the movie we were going for. It was in Sathyam Theatre, and just as I came to that thought, my mind did a double take as I realised what the second sign was. Sathyam. His very name (Sathya Sai baba) merged in it. Told Aps. Oh my God, she said, out loud this time. That was good Swami, I congratulated him mentally. Very good. And how foolish that I did not see it before now???

When it rains, it pours. And our Sai showers were just beginning. Right after this second sign, we saw a huuuuge billboard which read Royal Sundaram. Whoa!!! This was a big time sign, what with Sundaram being the name of Swami’s ashram here in Chennai!!!

We got thoroughly into the groove now and signs just kept coming our way now….we saw another billboard which read…This is a sign of more to come…That was utterly cosmic, that sign. It had our hair standing on end and we had to hand it to Him…..it was totally different from all the usual signs I have received so far!

We reached the movie hall and were amazed to find all the Sathyam employees oozing warmth, courtesy and such a ready smile. Like they adored you. Aps told me it didn’t usually happen that way. This day was really one of a kind. The movie, in itself, was so full of these cosmic sign moments, that it will be hard to capture and describe each and every one of them and the effect they had on us. the story, in itself, was a low fuss one, with the hero being prone to bad luck all the time, until he meets the heroine who is Lady Luck herself. his life changes when she is around and then of course, the usual love story follows with some problems thrown in to keep the plot moving. There was this one point when his luck is about to change, but he does not know it. But as a viewer, we get to see it, because right behind him is a tall building, and a huuuge poster is slowly being mounted on it, as he is thinking about his life. The poster….an ad for Gita sermons, with a beautiful picture of Lord Krishna, and as you see it being hoisted up that building….as more and more of the picture becomes visible, and with the changing tempo of the background music that ensues…..and in the charged spiritual climate that is swirling within you….that moment is just tooo much to take. It is an experience that cannot be imagined or described.

We heard a song, it seemed to be the perfect one for Him, singing all his praises, when in fact, it would have sounded like a typical love song on any other day. A sign of more to come…promised a billboard on the road. Little did I know that it echoed the promise of the Lord Himself, when only minutes before I had foolishly asked him for a sign that He was there with us. A sign that had to be different and novel and not the regular, usual stuff . Even this silly request asked so cheekily was granted with such love and aplomb. Why?

Because it was asked with faith. Full and complete faith that He was indeed that and that He would deliver. No wonder they say….faith came move mountains. It was not said lightly.