A momentous journey of 10 days… June 8, 2009
Posted by tharinid in Divine Inspiration, Sai Center.4 comments
The past 10 days has been perhaps, one of the most momentous times of my life. And to think I almost missed the opportunity to get on board!
I had made my peace with not going on the pilgrimage this time. I was really okay with it. And I also wanted to help out in any way possible. So when the opportunity came, I signed up and offered my services on Photoshop, given that I potter around with it all the time. And then I promptly forgot all about it too. All until, I got the mail 10 days ago, asking to be part of a conference call, to aid in the designing of a booklet to be given to Swami.
Throughout that day, I gave in to my oscillating mind, one moment excited at the opportunity to be part of something in this pilgrimage, and at the other swinging extreme, overcome with inertia to pick up the phone and be part of a call with a bunch of strangers. And till the very last moment, I wasn’t sure I was going to do it. Somehow, the kids were in bed, I got out of the room, and picked up the phone and dialled. And THAT was the start of my own personal pilgrimage. It has every element in it possible….the highs, the lows, the challenges, the triumphs, small and big, (but even the small was so big), new acquaintances turning friends, kinship, common goal, group effort, personal sacrifices, loss of sleep, days of being a night owl, working to deliver on time, working to iron out every imperfection for that ultimate masterpiece of effort, telephone calls late into the night, brainstorming, chats on multiple windows at every time of day….the regular, daily tasks to be performed on the side, meals to be cooked, kids to be dropped off, work to be attended to, sickness, doctor’s visits, fresh meals, getting through the day with bleary eyes and a beleaguered body but defiant soul……last minute printing fiascos, that left me weak in the knees wondering if it would ever get done, and then….that moment of final deliverance, when the outcome was finally certain and in the hands of the right people…..aahhh, He saw me through it all. During this period of intense work, I was in constant dialogue with Him. He was the one I spoke to the most, out of all the people in my life put together and it was His counsel that saw me through desperate times…or what seemed like desperate times in my limited micro view of it all.
When I handed it over on Saturday evening, the sense of relief was immense, but so was the sense of emptiness that I knew would follow soon after. Its always like that isn’t it…when you live, eat, breathe, and see only one thing for a spell of time, it becomes YOU, and when it has to leave you…you are so spent, so hollow with the resounding silence of that departure. What keeps me going now are the memories of some of those times…and the words that I received from the people who appreciated this book. My Center President told me this, and I will never forget it….He said…You may not be going on this pilgrimage, but your EFFORT is going there, even before all of us. It was only then that I realise what I had been involved in, and how huge my responsibility had been. Because till that point, it had been about working on my favorite software, with the chance to practice the art of paying attention to the smallest detail and perfecting it to my fullest satisfaction, fit for the King of Kings and the Lord of the Universe.
Dear Sweet Lord….I am eternally grateful and eternally in Your debt.
Jai Sai Ram!
Joining the local Sai Center – 3 March 17, 2008
Posted by tharinid in Sai Center.7 comments
Once we reached the Home, I got out and walked along with Jaya, the lady whose car I was following. She introduce me to another devotee there and together they explained to me briefly about what would take place. Devotees who had gotten to some of the residents of the Home from previous visits would go in to their rooms and wheel them in to the activity room on the ground floor. The activity room was a mid-sized hall with tables and chairs. Residents were sitting at the tables either on the chairs or on their wheelchairs and when we went in, there was a little exercise session in progress. They were all feebly raising their hands up and down, swaying their foot side to side and getting a little workout. It was my first time in an old age home, and this was the first sight that greeted my eyes.
Everything looked and felt so strange at first, and I felt a deep sadness looking around at all these old old grandmotherly figures, who did not have any family to care for them, or whose families did not want to care for them anymore. My heart cried for all these people and I fervently prayed that I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them in anyway, through my efforts to be of help. It was a paranoid thought, but I was nervous. All the devotees came in one by one, and the pleasantest thing to see was that each and every one of them brought their kids along. There were children ranging from 5 to 12 years and all of them looked at home and relaxed. Whichever adult caught my eye, looked at me and smiled a warm welcoming smile, that put me more and more at ease.
The service at this Home takes place once a month, and the activities involve doing a little bit of craft work followed by group singing. In the middle of all this, the devotees move around and talk with the residents asking after them and being pleasant and loving. Some devotees become attached to 1 or 2 residents and mingle more with those residents to keep up the personal touch. I found this aspect very lovely. Its like making a friend in there and coming back to that friend every month to catch up with them.
The craft work this month was a printout of a shamrock in accordance with St. Patrick’s Day. The residents could colour on them on their own if they liked, or with our assistance. So once all the materials were set up, we moved from table to table handing out the supplies. The very first table I went to had 3 old ladies sitting. When I approached their table and asked if they’d like a craft paper, one of them piped up warmly saying…yes, of course…that would be nice. It was the first real interaction I had had, and I looked at her gratefully for being so welcoming with me. She said she couldn’t colour, and I promised to come back to her table to help her out.
Once I had distributed the papers out, I came back to my first table. Now would be a good time to introduce the wonderful people that sat here. The person who had first spoken to me was Audrey. Mext to her was sweet sweet Alzada. I do not know the 3rd person’s name because one of the attendants had wheeled her away by the time I got to her. She hardly spoke and looked very serious and quiet. I helped Audrey colour the shamrock, all the while talking to her. She wanted to know my name, and all about my family. And when she heard about little Thambi, her interest was piqued and she wanted to know all the things he got up to, when I mentioned how naughty he was. There was a sweet indulgent smile playing on her lips as she listened. I guess I should have told her to check out my blog sometime. *wink*
She mentioned that she was almost blind and could not make out colours, hence her request that I do the craft for her. I asked her of she could see me, and she said that since I was sitting close, she could. Alzada was a very interesting person! For one, she had very defined tastes on what colours she wanted to use on the paper. We had given out a selection of greens for the shamrock, but she wanted some nice bright colours, she declared…like some reds and oranges. Yes Ma’am! I got her a nice assortment of colours, and she wanted me to colour hers too, because she wasn’t able to get some colour in. To be fair to her, she had tried to colour, but because of her inability to press the crayon, no colour was coming through on the paper. I held her hands and we coloured together.
She had such long fingers. It must have looked very beautiful in her younger days. They were still very well manicured hands, and I was soo… mindful that I shouldn’t apply too much pressure, because what if it hurt her fragile hands? We finished colouring, but she was still not satisfied. She asked me to put stickers there, there and there, mentioning the exact placements, she directed me on what colours to use where and once I did, she was very happy with the outcome. She had me work on the paper that I had given the 3rd lady, whose name I do not know, and she kept all 3 artworks with herself, even Audrey’s, who gave hers up willingly to her friend. It was sweet.
In the meantime, the singing had begun. A 12 year old girl played the flute and how! And then one of the devotees, an American named Jeff, picked up the guitar and he and all the kids together sang beautifully…I can’t remember the names of most of the songs, only that I had heard them before. He tried to get in a lot of Irish numbers on occasion of St. Patrick’s Day and Oh Susanna was one of them. There was this extremely simple and haunting song called Kumbaya, my Lord. Kumbaya is an African word meaning Come by here.And since this song is so so beautiful, and I found an amazing version of it on youtube, I will link it here.
They ended the singing with Amazing Grace, a song amazing in itself. Throughout the course of that morning, I had been having a feeling of being utterly blessed and in bliss. I looked around the room, and saw nothing but a sea of faces with God’s spirit imprinted upon them. In the beautiful ecstasy of that moment, I could see through to the God that was the indweller in each and every one’s heart. I felt so much love, and so much of gentleness and compassion. I looked at the kids up there in the front of the room, singing so beautifully and comfortably, and felt so proud of them, for being such beautiful carriers of today’s message of God in tomorrow’s world. I looked at the faces of the devotees, all soft and lit up with love, tending gently to the residents sitting at the tables, speaking softly, putting an arm around them, bending down deferentially to hear what they had to say, and when any one of them caught my eye, they had such a beatific smile of welcome and warmth, I felt immensely lucky to be in that circle of God’s love. One of them, an older gentleman, complimented me on how well I was colouring for the friends at my table, and for a first timer like me, those were such encouraging words.
Truly, there is something magnificent in devotional singing. Be it the traditional India bhajans or the light English hymns. The songs had power to transform, and power to accord bliss. Everyone there in that room was bathed in a glory of peace and brotherhood. And thus…there I was…touched beyond any words, and the song of Amazing Grace begins to play….and as I look down at my songbook and sing the words, I realise that it is MY words of gratefulness to the Lord for his compassion on me, for showing me the path, and for helping me tread it. They were my words of gratitude and thanksgiving…every word of it….sharing it here to add more meaning to my narrative…
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
T’was Grace that taught…
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear…
the hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.
When we’ve been here ten thousand years…
bright shining as the sun.
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise…
then when we’ve first begun.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me….
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.
Tears came in my eyes as I sang this song, and I sang it with feeling and sincerity. I wondered the kind of impact it would have on all these old people, at the very fag end of this lifetime on earth…would it uplift them? Would it give them hope? Would it put a spring in their step for the rest of that day? It had to….because that’s how beautiful it was. Jeff had a fantastic voice and a gentle smile that was a direct mirror of the Lord’s love.
All too soon, it seemed, the music ended and one of the more active residents, spoke out loud on behalf of all the rest. She said how much they all enjoyed the group coming in once every month, and how good it made them feel. Please come again and again, she said, because we really look forward to it. Hearing that was such a motivating feeling. There are no bigger rewards here than bringing joy to the life of such old people, sitting far away from their real homes, in this old age home. At that moment, I felt that once a month was too infrequent and once a week would have been nicer. But I guess, with all things, you start with baby steps and once the foundation is in place, you build up on that more and more and give of yourself, more and more.
I took leave of my two friends Audrey and Alzada. I could see they were a little sad to see me go, but I promised to be back next month, and made them promise that they would be there too. Audrey said to bring my whole family the next time, and especially Thambi. I was determined that I would and told her so. And with that, I took my leave and we all left the Home.
….to be continued…
P.S – Audrey mentioned her birthday was on March 25, and Alzada’s on July 16.
Joining the local Sai Center – 2 March 17, 2008
Posted by tharinid in Sai Center.2 comments
I reached the center, which was actually the home of a devotee, at about 9:20 AM. I parked outside the house and noticed that there were no cars parked anywhere. It was strange to be sure, for I was counting on that as a indicator that I had indeed reached the right place. I knew something was up….was this week’s group meeting cancelled? Darn! I should have called and checked with the Center President before coming. Anyways, I dialled the number of the resident of the house and when a lady picked up the phone, I asked her if it was the Sai Center. It was an Indian voice that replied, that it indeed was, and when I told her that I was waiting outside thinking there was a group session today, she hurriedly went on to apologise profusely and explained that every 3rd Sunday, the Center congregates at an old age home to render services there, and then meets back at the house at 11:30 to continue with the study circle. She asked me to come into the house so she could explain further. And I did.
She had a very welcoming smile and an apologetic manner, when it had been my mistake, all along in not checking the schedule first. She was genuinely very happy to see me, a new devotee, and said I could accompany her to the home and involve in the activities if I wished. I said yes, I would like to and followed her in my car. All the way, my mind was a tumult of thoughts, mostly excited ones, and some nervous ones.
A little digression here. For a while now, I have been thinking of volunteering my time and efforts in performing some service for society. There was a time when I even went online and did a lot of research into the local organisations and what kind of work they did, and what would be required of me. But somewhere, in that process, my good intentions were again lost and my mind began to conjure up doubts, as is its nature. Will I enjoy doing service in the long run? Will it take away too much of my family weekend time? Will I be able to give wholly to the people I set out to help? Will it hurt me too much to see how much of suffering exists? Do I want to leave the cocoon of my safe sheltered life to face the actual reality of the world? And so, as a result of these questions, I held back for the longest time, despite my heart prodding me in this direction many a times. End of digression.
And now, to think that of all the Sundays I could have chosen to show up at the Center, it had to be the 3rdSunday??? Over the last 2 weeks I wondered what game Swami was playing with me. What lesson was he trying to teach me by making me miss center activities 2 weeks in a row? Was he testing my steadfastness? Was he preparing me for something in this interim time? The answer to this last question is YES. He indeed was. He held me back from going to the Center for 2 weeks, so that I would finally end up going on the 3rd Sunday and be able to plunge headlong into a service activity. Such that I would have no time or chance to feed my fears, but instead would be placed in a position where I would have to act from the heart, and in the process realise that anything that flows from the heart, is a natural flow. One that requires no effort, because it is the living of simple truth. That day, He helped me discover that there was indeed love in my heart, and it was of the purest kind, in that pristine state as when He had first put it there. He showed me that when you act with this Love, there is no fear of doing wrong, there is no question of whether my time is well spent away from the family, there are no doubts about whether I am doing it in the right spirit. Because at that moment, there is no ‘I’ in the picture at all. The ego is completely killed and only God’s Love flows through our beings as His instruments. And being a receptacle of that, and being a transferrer of that love, really reformed me, and the way I regard service.
All my fears and doubts have vanished in this one encounter and I am so grateful to the Lord for wiping away such a big burden from my heart in one swift move. The world of possibilities this has now opened up in my life is now limitless. I love being alive, I love that He has given me physical health and strength. And I now see that in addition to using that to take care of my family, He has also shown me how to use it for the people who are not related to me.
With God’s grace, this blessing can only grow and transform, day by day….I will continue writing about the actual Center activities in my next post.
Joining the local Sai Center – 1 March 16, 2008
Posted by tharinid in Sai Center.2 comments
I have been searching online for locating a local Sai Center on and off now. I even sent email to the Region 5 email id, only to have it bounce back. I guess it was meant to be at R’s hand that some information finally came through, because not only did he send an email to the region id, he also sent one to the id where you could seek general information. And the very next day, a Saturday morning…a reply came directing us to our local Sai Center. They met every Sunday from 9:30 AM for a few hours. We were very excited. We made plans to go the very next day.
By evening, the monkey mind had started wreaking havoc to the good intentions. A lot of doubts kept popping up, and in the name of scouting the place and getting a feel of it, I persuaded R to go the next day. But come next day, he was running late and since he didn’t want to arrive there late for the very first day, he ended up not going. It was a big disappointment to me. Like a huge failure on our parts. For the next week, I decided to go.
Come next week and the daylight savings ended on the Saturday and we went forward one hour and changed our clocks. But we had forgotten to change the clock in the bedroom, and I ended up waking late as a result. Another missed week. More disappointment.
This time I didn’t make plans. I had a desire to go, and if the Lord willed that I go, He would make me do it. All of Saturday, I had a spattering of doubts. The center activities ranged from 9:30 to 1:00 PM, at the very least. That was a long time to be away from the kids. Little little things like that kept popping up in my head. But Sunday morning dawned and I was up by 7:00. There was ample time to get ready and leave at leisure. R supported me by volunteering to take care of breakfast and cooking lunch. And so I went today…March 16, 2008. And had an experience that will singularly change my life, and that of my family in the time to come. More about that in my next post…
