Jiva to Atma

Last evening was the Friday of the Labour Day weekend. If I hadn’t broken my leg, we would have been heading to Galena to join friends for our cabin weekend getaway of 4 days. The thought played on my mind as I sat outside, helped by R down those very same steps where I had fallen. The weather was very pleasant and I enjoyed making the most of this lovely evening. Only, the spirits didn’t quite keep up. It felt a little lonely. Just me and the boys outside and R inside, still working some 40 hours from when he started. It didn’t feel like the beginning of a long weekend at all.

I knew I wasn’t really alone. Not really. Swami was always there, just a call away. And company is not always about the physical presence of others. And yet, a dull ache inside, a longing for some good conversation, an interesting chat, a prickling up of all my senses in delight at discovering a person’s insides….I was just in that mood.

The street outside was deserted. The boys continued playing. A neighbour from across the street walked over to say hi. She stayed 5 minutes and then left. My right side neighbour pulled out of his driveway, waving a cheery goodbye. They were meeting family for dinner. I was envious. And sad. I thought of the no. of days left for Amma to come. How nice if she was here just now. How nice if somebody I could talk to in the flesh was here just now! And just to distract myself, to give myself a peaceful focus, I took up my embroidery and kept at it.

About 15 minutes in this manner, and suddenly I heard a door open and shut, and voices emanate the house on the left. James and Laurie made an appearance to have their regular evening smoke outside and they smiled and said hello. They asked about my leg, how I was feeling, how I was doing and so on. And we talked. And we talked. And we continued talking. Pretty soon, they pulled up chairs next to me, and Laurie came out with a glass of wine. Chilled zinfandel it was and heavenly. From time to time, in between, I marvelled at how perfect their timing was to have come outside and that weekend mood that was there…it lent an air of relaxation to the scene. Laurie and I talked while James played with the boys, who took to him easily. We talked about her 21 year old daughter with 2 kids who is considering a divorce. We talked about James and his disturbed and abused childhood. I came to know these people a whole lot more intimately in the course of 2 hours than in the 4 years that they had been there. Cultural differences vanished as the pain of traumas past was revealed and shared. I marvelled at how much we are a product of our childhoods and yet, many a times, rise over and above it, to become functional people in our own right, despite the torn psyche of the past.

It was 9:15 by the time we decided to call it a night and it was only because the bugs were biting us royal, and the boys were famished and restless. And when I came back indoors, it was with a huge smile on my face and happiness.

Even though you know that you are not really alone….sometimes, when an unasked for prayers is granted in the e.x.a.c.t manner in which you need it to be, what you feel in return, in retrospect is above and beyond a simple gratitude. Its complete and utter humility at the magnitude of the love that was offered to you so compassionately, to put a smile on your face…and make your heart a little lighter.

Thank you Swami…for hearing me and hearting me.

You know what’s the best way to learn???…By messing up enough number of times. Yes.

I don’t think you can make a mistake once, learn from it, have it change you in that one opportunity, and then never make that same mistake again. I don’t think it works that way. At least for a majority number of people.

Hence, the best way to learn is to make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over again, until you get so sick of yourself and your inability to change, that you finally do. From that saturation, comes some discipline, and from that discipline comes transformation. Of course, all this happens over a period of time, and the age factor is also packed into it.

So that’s the secret folks. You want to change? Do the same old thing over and over again so that the energy and power it has over you is finally exhausted. And then….enjoy a new you!