Jiva to Atma

Its hard to find a place to begin a post like this…it contains a swirl of thoughts on free will, and divine guidance and Divine Will, and what happens when we seek and when we don’t…

For several months now, we have been struggling with a particular decision now. On whether or not to buy a new dining table set for our home. Not the formal  dinner table, but just a simple, elegant wooden table with a minimum of 4 chairs. The one we have now, while in good, working condition still, is a very low end one dating back to our apartment days, and its been 8 years now. So while we certainly didn’t need a new set, we certainly could have used a new one simply because it had been a while.

But so far, its been such that we could never find just the right one, that was simple-elegant-priced within range etc. We found many that we could well afford, but when it came to the moment of actual committment, we couldn’t do it. And yet, we still couldn’t let the idea of having a new dining set go. Today, we decided to finally approach the Big Man, and ask for His guidance, for a change. Now asking for guidance is not a simple one step process. Firstly, you have to actively bring your mind out of its restlessness and into a calmer state by invoking a few deep breaths and prayer. Then you have to examine all your motives for asking, and whether you are sincerely setting aside your ego, to completely surrender your control to Him. You should ask because you are sincere about seeking, not because its a fun process where you can test His omnipresence. And you have to brace yourself to accept whatever outcome there is. Its a cleansing process really, to get into the climate of truly seeking.

So we went through the motions and sought with all that we had, for an answer, a clear one, and a single direction to take. We closed our eyes, and opened randomly, to the page of a book of Swami, in the hope that the first words our eyes fell on would give us our answer. Both of us did it individually, to get a double confirmation. R’s answer was….Come to Puttaparthi. And mine was….Come to me with empty hands…I shall fill them with gifts and grace.

Its amazing the kind of varied interpretations you decipher. Confusion abounds on which one is His. Did you understand it right? Is this what it means? Once the dust of the excitement settles however, you do sort of know from within, what it means. R & I felt beyond a doubt, that it meant that we remain happy with what we have and not burden ourselves with more possessions. On a simplistic level. Symbolically, there are more colours to this interpretation, but the underlying message is still clear. And that should be the end of things, ideally, right?

Wrong. Because I still want the table. I mean, how difficult is it going to be to bridge the gap between desire and action towards fulfilling that desire? We do have free will, don’t we? How difficult would it really be to exercise it? In a moment of recklessness, we could very well go ahead and buy our table. Its not an earth shattering decision, one that is bound to hurt anybody. Its a simple table, after all. But then, its not. It is free will. We have the right and freedom to choose, and when we do, we also have the certainty of experiencing the full range of consequence it comes with. This is a simplistic situation, but we face many many other situations in our life where we sort of bulldoze our decisions for our lives, without seeking divine guidance and many times, despite it. So how then can we pause, when things go wrong in our lives, and ask of Him….Why me?

That is one line of questioning that has surely and certainly left me. I have rephrased it with…what can i learn from this? What is the purpose behind this lesson?…and pretty soon, its not hard to see how each situation in life is somehow scientifically designed for our personal growth. The way it has been customised is so damn beautiful that it is a complete cause for wonder.

Last evening was the Friday of the Labour Day weekend. If I hadn’t broken my leg, we would have been heading to Galena to join friends for our cabin weekend getaway of 4 days. The thought played on my mind as I sat outside, helped by R down those very same steps where I had fallen. The weather was very pleasant and I enjoyed making the most of this lovely evening. Only, the spirits didn’t quite keep up. It felt a little lonely. Just me and the boys outside and R inside, still working some 40 hours from when he started. It didn’t feel like the beginning of a long weekend at all.

I knew I wasn’t really alone. Not really. Swami was always there, just a call away. And company is not always about the physical presence of others. And yet, a dull ache inside, a longing for some good conversation, an interesting chat, a prickling up of all my senses in delight at discovering a person’s insides….I was just in that mood.

The street outside was deserted. The boys continued playing. A neighbour from across the street walked over to say hi. She stayed 5 minutes and then left. My right side neighbour pulled out of his driveway, waving a cheery goodbye. They were meeting family for dinner. I was envious. And sad. I thought of the no. of days left for Amma to come. How nice if she was here just now. How nice if somebody I could talk to in the flesh was here just now! And just to distract myself, to give myself a peaceful focus, I took up my embroidery and kept at it.

About 15 minutes in this manner, and suddenly I heard a door open and shut, and voices emanate the house on the left. James and Laurie made an appearance to have their regular evening smoke outside and they smiled and said hello. They asked about my leg, how I was feeling, how I was doing and so on. And we talked. And we talked. And we continued talking. Pretty soon, they pulled up chairs next to me, and Laurie came out with a glass of wine. Chilled zinfandel it was and heavenly. From time to time, in between, I marvelled at how perfect their timing was to have come outside and that weekend mood that was there…it lent an air of relaxation to the scene. Laurie and I talked while James played with the boys, who took to him easily. We talked about her 21 year old daughter with 2 kids who is considering a divorce. We talked about James and his disturbed and abused childhood. I came to know these people a whole lot more intimately in the course of 2 hours than in the 4 years that they had been there. Cultural differences vanished as the pain of traumas past was revealed and shared. I marvelled at how much we are a product of our childhoods and yet, many a times, rise over and above it, to become functional people in our own right, despite the torn psyche of the past.

It was 9:15 by the time we decided to call it a night and it was only because the bugs were biting us royal, and the boys were famished and restless. And when I came back indoors, it was with a huge smile on my face and happiness.

Even though you know that you are not really alone….sometimes, when an unasked for prayers is granted in the e.x.a.c.t manner in which you need it to be, what you feel in return, in retrospect is above and beyond a simple gratitude. Its complete and utter humility at the magnitude of the love that was offered to you so compassionately, to put a smile on your face…and make your heart a little lighter.

Thank you Swami…for hearing me and hearting me.

You know what’s the best way to learn???…By messing up enough number of times. Yes.

I don’t think you can make a mistake once, learn from it, have it change you in that one opportunity, and then never make that same mistake again. I don’t think it works that way. At least for a majority number of people.

Hence, the best way to learn is to make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over again, until you get so sick of yourself and your inability to change, that you finally do. From that saturation, comes some discipline, and from that discipline comes transformation. Of course, all this happens over a period of time, and the age factor is also packed into it.

So that’s the secret folks. You want to change? Do the same old thing over and over again so that the energy and power it has over you is finally exhausted. And then….enjoy a new you!