A starlit evening of conversation… September 6, 2009
Posted by tharinid in Random.3 comments
Last evening was the Friday of the Labour Day weekend. If I hadn’t broken my leg, we would have been heading to Galena to join friends for our cabin weekend getaway of 4 days. The thought played on my mind as I sat outside, helped by R down those very same steps where I had fallen. The weather was very pleasant and I enjoyed making the most of this lovely evening. Only, the spirits didn’t quite keep up. It felt a little lonely. Just me and the boys outside and R inside, still working some 40 hours from when he started. It didn’t feel like the beginning of a long weekend at all.
I knew I wasn’t really alone. Not really. Swami was always there, just a call away. And company is not always about the physical presence of others. And yet, a dull ache inside, a longing for some good conversation, an interesting chat, a prickling up of all my senses in delight at discovering a person’s insides….I was just in that mood.
The street outside was deserted. The boys continued playing. A neighbour from across the street walked over to say hi. She stayed 5 minutes and then left. My right side neighbour pulled out of his driveway, waving a cheery goodbye. They were meeting family for dinner. I was envious. And sad. I thought of the no. of days left for Amma to come. How nice if she was here just now. How nice if somebody I could talk to in the flesh was here just now! And just to distract myself, to give myself a peaceful focus, I took up my embroidery and kept at it.
About 15 minutes in this manner, and suddenly I heard a door open and shut, and voices emanate the house on the left. James and Laurie made an appearance to have their regular evening smoke outside and they smiled and said hello. They asked about my leg, how I was feeling, how I was doing and so on. And we talked. And we talked. And we continued talking. Pretty soon, they pulled up chairs next to me, and Laurie came out with a glass of wine. Chilled zinfandel it was and heavenly. From time to time, in between, I marvelled at how perfect their timing was to have come outside and that weekend mood that was there…it lent an air of relaxation to the scene. Laurie and I talked while James played with the boys, who took to him easily. We talked about her 21 year old daughter with 2 kids who is considering a divorce. We talked about James and his disturbed and abused childhood. I came to know these people a whole lot more intimately in the course of 2 hours than in the 4 years that they had been there. Cultural differences vanished as the pain of traumas past was revealed and shared. I marvelled at how much we are a product of our childhoods and yet, many a times, rise over and above it, to become functional people in our own right, despite the torn psyche of the past.
It was 9:15 by the time we decided to call it a night and it was only because the bugs were biting us royal, and the boys were famished and restless. And when I came back indoors, it was with a huge smile on my face and happiness.
Even though you know that you are not really alone….sometimes, when an unasked for prayers is granted in the e.x.a.c.t manner in which you need it to be, what you feel in return, in retrospect is above and beyond a simple gratitude. Its complete and utter humility at the magnitude of the love that was offered to you so compassionately, to put a smile on your face…and make your heart a little lighter.
Thank you Swami…for hearing me and hearting me.
A momentous journey of 10 days… June 8, 2009
Posted by tharinid in Divine Inspiration, Sai Center.4 comments
The past 10 days has been perhaps, one of the most momentous times of my life. And to think I almost missed the opportunity to get on board!
I had made my peace with not going on the pilgrimage this time. I was really okay with it. And I also wanted to help out in any way possible. So when the opportunity came, I signed up and offered my services on Photoshop, given that I potter around with it all the time. And then I promptly forgot all about it too. All until, I got the mail 10 days ago, asking to be part of a conference call, to aid in the designing of a booklet to be given to Swami.
Throughout that day, I gave in to my oscillating mind, one moment excited at the opportunity to be part of something in this pilgrimage, and at the other swinging extreme, overcome with inertia to pick up the phone and be part of a call with a bunch of strangers. And till the very last moment, I wasn’t sure I was going to do it. Somehow, the kids were in bed, I got out of the room, and picked up the phone and dialled. And THAT was the start of my own personal pilgrimage. It has every element in it possible….the highs, the lows, the challenges, the triumphs, small and big, (but even the small was so big), new acquaintances turning friends, kinship, common goal, group effort, personal sacrifices, loss of sleep, days of being a night owl, working to deliver on time, working to iron out every imperfection for that ultimate masterpiece of effort, telephone calls late into the night, brainstorming, chats on multiple windows at every time of day….the regular, daily tasks to be performed on the side, meals to be cooked, kids to be dropped off, work to be attended to, sickness, doctor’s visits, fresh meals, getting through the day with bleary eyes and a beleaguered body but defiant soul……last minute printing fiascos, that left me weak in the knees wondering if it would ever get done, and then….that moment of final deliverance, when the outcome was finally certain and in the hands of the right people…..aahhh, He saw me through it all. During this period of intense work, I was in constant dialogue with Him. He was the one I spoke to the most, out of all the people in my life put together and it was His counsel that saw me through desperate times…or what seemed like desperate times in my limited micro view of it all.
When I handed it over on Saturday evening, the sense of relief was immense, but so was the sense of emptiness that I knew would follow soon after. Its always like that isn’t it…when you live, eat, breathe, and see only one thing for a spell of time, it becomes YOU, and when it has to leave you…you are so spent, so hollow with the resounding silence of that departure. What keeps me going now are the memories of some of those times…and the words that I received from the people who appreciated this book. My Center President told me this, and I will never forget it….He said…You may not be going on this pilgrimage, but your EFFORT is going there, even before all of us. It was only then that I realise what I had been involved in, and how huge my responsibility had been. Because till that point, it had been about working on my favorite software, with the chance to practice the art of paying attention to the smallest detail and perfecting it to my fullest satisfaction, fit for the King of Kings and the Lord of the Universe.
Dear Sweet Lord….I am eternally grateful and eternally in Your debt.
Jai Sai Ram!
I to we to Sai… April 6, 2009
Posted by tharinid in Ceiling on desires, Divine Inspiration.7 comments
This is the idea behind the pilgrimage that Sai centers across Chicagoland and nearby regions are going to undertake the in the last week of June. Getting sanction for a group to come on a pilgrimage to Parthi is a very huge privilege and the opportunity of a lifetime to get within physical closeness of Swami. When I received these mails from the Center, I read very cursorily (not understanding the beautiful significance of it), and passed it off, because there was no way we would be able to go. 2 India trips in a gap of 6 months, meant a big bite into the pocket, and with R’s hectic work schedules, and the concern for the care of the kids, all combined, made me regard it as a very distant prospect for us.
That is all until I got a personal mail from one of the officers of my local Center with the same information of this pilgrimage I had earlier dismissed. He had addressed this mail specifically to me, asking me to attend the presentation this weekend. It troubled me, because I would have to offer yet another excuse of Winkie’s Sunday school engagement. Thinking I would send that mail later with my regrets, I moved onto a chore in the kitchen. And R who sat down with his coffee in front of the laptop, saw the mail and convinced me to go. He said he would drop me beforehand to the Center, take the boys to the temple for school, and then pick me up on the way back. He said it had come in my name, and I must not ignore it, for the sign it was.
And so, with some hesitation (since I was going to the Center after a whole year) and also a lot of excitement, to learn more about what this pilgrimage meant, I went. And just 5 minutes into the presentation, my eyes were welling up with tears and overflowing. For at that moment, I realised what a big blessing was being offered to the members of all these centers…to go as a group, stay there for a whole week dedicated to Swami, and be charged in that vibrant spiritual atmosphere. The person making the presentation had just returned from a monthlong stay at Parthi, and it was his request that Swami had granted, to give darshan to all the members here. Being there, in that surcharged atmosphere just brought the reality of seeing Him that much closer to me, and the desire to be part of the pilgrimage took fire and began to burn inside me. And only moments before, I had been of the mindset of…what was the need to see Him, when I was in constant dialogue with Him, anyways???
Its amazing how the very considerations of practicality which I used as reasons to justify not going on the pilgrimage, began to wither away, and every situation seemed to have a solution in my mind. Everything seemed possible, in the face of this once in a lifetime opportunity. But the fact that nothing is permanent asserts itself even here. The minute I got home, the world began to come into me once more, and the road blocks were up again. Money, time, kids, family, money…on and on it comes back in this loop. *sigh*. Its been a long time since I took something as such a huge blow. The last date for registration is April 15, and I will continue to torture myself until then, I am sure.
One of the nicest things that evolved during the presentation was the subject of unity and inclusiveness, to include even the non-pilgrims to involve themselves in the preparation for this trip. Volunteer services were requested for different areas to help ready the rest of the group even if they themselves were not going. One opportunity includes some proofreading, editing, designing work which I think I will volunteer for. It will afford me some form of contribution and help me lick my wounds. Another wonderful cropped up, to include non-pilgrims in the sadhana effort aspect as well.
Talk of sadhana reminded of one of the most important things in Swami’s 9 point code of conduct….ceiling on desires. It was something I talked about a long time ago and then conveniently forgot all about. Perhaps disappointments in life are good after all….they seem to have the energy to effect the climate of change. As for the change itself, time, and sadhana with Grace, will tell. For now, I have picked up the first desire I want to slowly, but surely, get rid of from where it is deeply entrenched, the desire to raise my voice, yell and talk in harsh tones. It simply has to go. So I offer it to Swami, on a little chit of paper, written proof of my sincere resolve, and hope that I will be able to kick it.
The mind is like a child… March 12, 2009
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After the end of a long and very busy day, I sat upright in bed, next to the form of my sleepy boys. They were about to nod off and my day was finally done. The weight of all the burdens I had been carrying settled on my shoulders, and I found my breath coming in short spurts. There was a definite need to slow down and relax the body and mind a little. I know its time to restart the meditative practice…that is the only answer for my state of imbalance.
Even as I close my eyes, I dread the onslaught of thoughts that I will have to endure. The number of times I will get led away into the swirling maze of mind-work, before I pull myself back to breathing again. The very idea of it knots up my shoulders just a bit more. I try unsuccessfully, to shake it off and just stay put. Breathe in and out, in and out….and I notice how short my breaths have been. The very effort of trying to breathe slowly and deeply seemed to pressure my heart. I stick with it, and soon a little voice inside my head gives me little directions to follow. Release the tension from your shoulders. Tilt your head a bit further down. Don’t clench your hands so much. Looose. Loose. And so on. By now, the breathing is a bit more regular, but my mind has started to wander away. Its amazing how incongruously it shifts from the breathing focus to something else random, and how firmly it attaches itself to that thought and gets led away. Several seconds would have passed, before I even realise what has happened and attempt to lure it back gently to the breath once more. On and on, this cyclical process goes, but the voice in my head urges in a gentle way, and inspires me to be less violent in my reactions to my wayward mind.
Its about 10 minutes now, and I finally find it easier to stay with the breath. Thoughts still come and go, but my ability to observe them and steer my mind back, improves. I begin to get lost in a place I can’t identify. I can tell from the way an immense pressure builds in my forehead, making it distinctly uncomfortable for me to relax. Its just one step short of actual pain. A buzzing sound fills my ears, and accentuates the discomfort of that point. From time to time, it clears and I enjoy a respite while succumbing to the unique bliss of breathing deeply and intently. And while I am suspended in this short space of time, a thought comes to me. It is not the usual train of thought of things mundane, from the past or the future. It is clearer and the kind that gives you a better understanding, almost as if it is rising deep from the seat of wisdom to give perspective. I am able to recognise this different quality of thought because it is so beautiful in its clarity that I know it can’t be the product of my muddled mind.
The thought is this, and it tells me that the mind is very much like a child, and is to be regarded thus in understanding its nature in order to know how to train it. If we treat our mind with respect, understanding and gentle love, it can be moulded ever so beautifully to the patterns of our innate discrimination. But if we try to assert instant control, with pressure and aggressiveness, it is going to be regressive and try to bound even more out of control than before. A point of illustration : Even in the process of the meditation that I was engaged in (rustic though my attempts are)….I had to treat my mind with respect and gentleness, whenever it wandered off into thought. By this I mean that I had to understand that the mind was following its natural impulses to be wayward, and it is important to acknowledge and accept this, while gently calling it back to focus. When I thus gave myself the gift of acceptance and love, I have a better chance of regaining control. But if I were to put pressure on my mind that it HAD TO stay with the breath and NOT FLIT AWAY with thought, that is exactly what it is going to do.
So the mind is like a child. You have to give it love. Understanding. Time. Patience. Loving effort. Grounding. And that is the only way to have any kind of mastery over it!
Back to Day 1! February 21, 2009
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So a friend read my earlier ‘Day 1′ post and called me up to get inspiration thinking I had kicked the caffeine habit. And there I was, sheepishly telling her that I was still having coffee, though it was restricted to just one cup a day.
In the course of the conversation, resolve built again and we decided to take on the challenge together. So one week free of caffeine it is, with Saturday and Sunday being a treat, if we still feel like it. And today is back to being Day 1.
The feelings I woke up with were crazy. I took to observing my mind and the linking thoughts. There didn’t seem to be any point in getting up for the day, because I couldn’t have that blissful cupful. I woke up feeling a bit low in spirits, and then my mind started to try to convince me….after all, it is just 1 cup. What’s the big deal?
I had still decided to go ahead and make R his usual cup, and loaded the filter with enough powder for just one person. That process also tested me no end, and I thought I might as well fix myself some breakfast right away to escape the craving. But then, I didn’t want that heavy feeling so early in the morning.
So without any further thought, in went a cup of water for heating, out it came and I slipped a mint green tea bag inside. The job was done. I sat down with it and did not even want to taste it. But somehow, when I did, it was pretty good. And I love that fresh zingy taste that mint has. Sooo… much better than that not-fresh aftermath that coffee leaves.
For now, the craving is at bay. I think I will get through the morning. Hope the afternoon goes as smoothly.
The best way to learn… January 8, 2009
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You know what’s the best way to learn???…By messing up enough number of times. Yes.
I don’t think you can make a mistake once, learn from it, have it change you in that one opportunity, and then never make that same mistake again. I don’t think it works that way. At least for a majority number of people.
Hence, the best way to learn is to make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over again, until you get so sick of yourself and your inability to change, that you finally do. From that saturation, comes some discipline, and from that discipline comes transformation. Of course, all this happens over a period of time, and the age factor is also packed into it.
So that’s the secret folks. You want to change? Do the same old thing over and over again so that the energy and power it has over you is finally exhausted. And then….enjoy a new you!
Sometimes it takes a Zumba mix to drive a point home! January 2, 2009
Posted by tharinid in Divine Inspiration.1 comment so far
Today is the first day of the New Year. And I started it right by going for a 9:30 class at my gym. I prefer the group classes on most days because of the amazing energy that working out in a group brings. And this is a very special class called the Zumba mix. Its basically a dance based workout….a bit of salsa, samba, merengue…you name it. And the whole experience is so intensely spiritual….its breathtaking.
I have peeped in on this class before I finally ventured in one fine day. Usually, you see something dance based and you shy away from it thinking….nah…I could never do that! And then, one day…you just manage to swallow all your inhibitions and decide to try it out. At the beginning of the class, you always feel so stiff and awkward, like you could never move. The first 5 minutes are agonising, you keep checking yourself out in the mirror and notice the awkwardness and the complete lack of natural grace. You wish you could just get out and get on the treadmill or something. You think everyone else is just soooo… much better than you. How do they move like dancers so easily…you wonder. Never is the feeling of divisiveness more keenly felt, and the feeling of I…you….them. You see everyone around you as separate from you. You see yourself as a lone unit. But you get on with the class anyway, because you’re in it now, and it’d be even more awkward to walk out. *sigh*….so much of ego is so crippling.
The music changes. That’s kind of the nice thing about this zumba mix class. Its made up of small segments of music to which you follow the instructor’s moves. And the music is so catchy and energetic. Some of that energy somehow finds its way into you. Encouraged, you begin to loosen up…slowly. Everytime one track ends, the anticipation builds up to see what the next track will sound like. In those little gaps between the music, people clap a little to signify their enjoyment and look around the room and smile at one another. It breaks the ice. And some of that enjoyment rubs off on you too. The smiles relax you…and you start smiling too. The music starts and you get into it with a lot more gusto now. It ceases to matter how you move and how you compare with everyone else around you. Everyone is just here for a workout…and what a fun way this is to do that!
I have always believed that the rhythm of music beats in everyone of us. And if we didn’t let our egos work overtime and just gave in to the beautiful sensual pleasure of the music, you can actually become one with it, and have it move you. Its a very very sublime moment….being one with the music that has the capacity to enter your soul. Because once it does, it doesn’t matter whether you are supposed to shake your hips, or time the movement of your left hand with your left leg…the music just moves you in a way that will keep the perfect union going. When the ego gets out of the way, you finally stop being so conscious, and are open to let the energy flow, unhindered. You movements automatically become more graceful and fluid. And your face has a smile….from the joy of it all.
The ecstasy continues so long as the ego remains mute. But the minute it expresses itself, even in a whisper, the spell is broken and the awareness erects a wall and separates you from the rest again. To continue the union in a single uninterrupted flow is not easy, not easy at all….but when you have even a faint idea of it, you feel liberated. From all your notions of what you are, how you should be, and all your judgements about others. Its really wonderful.
I ended that class pink cheeked and flushed and so darn pleased with myself for sticking it out and having such fun. When the class ended, everyone was beaming at everyone else, and it was obvious that on some levels, they had all experienced their own unique unions. I guess we’re not that different after all!
Day 1 December 2, 2008
Posted by tharinid in Self discipline.3 comments
Well, the first rule of my diet plan is already broken as of this morning. I woke up after a very disturbed night of sleep, and felt tired and crabby. And I went for the coffee. This should give you an idea of the kind of task I am up against, in lieu of myself. But as a sort of penance, or detailed observation or whatever you may call it, I really watched how my mind worked to carry the resolve away. It told me over and over how tired I was, and how I needed that coffee to get going. (I usually wake up more fresh and energised than today). It told me how it was just one cup and I could do the rest of the things right. And before I knew it, I was apologising to my self and saying….just this once.
There are still some things I got right in all of this. I really enjoyed my one cup of coffee, mindfully. I relished the warmth stealing down my throat and the feeling of relaxation. I was totally in the moment when I had my coffee. And then after, I observed how it made me feel. It was not altogether pleasant. The warmth was replaced by this unfresh feeling in the mouth, which made me want to brush again. And yes, I do feel a little bit more fresh, but of course, this is the caffiene kick working.
If I should not repeat this tomorrow, I need to educate myself on whether coffee really interferes with weight loss or not. And so, i did. Through this article. And more specifically, these words…
“If you are “running on empty,” getting your “energy” from artificial stimulants like caffeine, you never really get to understand the effect your food is having on you. You never know whether your food is producing energy and alertness or tiredness and fatigue. You’re masking the effects of your eating style with an overpowering stimulant. And that’s keeping you from valuable knowledge about what foods work for you and what foods you ought to stay away from.”
And that does it for me.
A week of discipline… December 2, 2008
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Spirituality needs discipline. This is a known fact. And over the course of this last year, I have seen just how much I lack in it. A resolve once made, has always evaporated into thin air, at the very next opportunity that it was challenged. So much so, that I have stopped taking myself seriously. And this lack of gumption to see something through is slowly eroding whatever is good and latently good within me. And I really need to get a grip on myself, and come back to the path that I long to be on.
The first of the many challenges, has to do with diet. I need to lost at least 20 lbs and soon. I am 31 now and getting into middle age. And I want to get back in shape before lower metabolism levels take over and make it tougher than it is. I have resolved many times to myself on some of the changes I wanted to make. Simple, basic things for a diet overhaul…like, no coffee and tea, more water, less dairy, only the occasional dessert, and 1 hour of exercise at least 5 days a week.
And everyday, I have failed. And I am tired of failing. And I realise the only way to get what you want, is to go after it, mindfully while asking for grace along the way. Plus, I need to firmly commit myself to change. And that is what I am doing here, right now. So starting tomorrow, for the next 1 week (yes 1 week alone)….I want to institute these changes with determination and strength. And I want to see how this one week impacts me. If at the end of it, I feel good about the changes, then perhaps, I will have the energy of positive impact to carry me into the next week, and the next and the next. For now, it starts with tomorrow.
God grant me the strength and bless this resolve of mine.
Say no to strangers… October 2, 2008
Posted by tharinid in Divine Inspiration.3 comments
Last evening, R took Winkie to his karate class. It was parent participation night. They were showing a video on how to deal with strangers. Some of the parents were called upon to play a stranger in different situations, and the child was supposed to demonstrate what to say and how to deal with them.
For instance, if a stranger came upto you (a child) and said…Hey, do you want some candy?….you are supposed to say NO. If he says…do you want to get into my car and show me the way to the police station?….you say NO. If he says…get in the car, I am a cop…you say NO and ask for a badge.
This is to keep yourself safe. Its an awareness training to identify potential threats from strangers and use your discrimination and act accordingly.
R came home and told me about the class. And how it set him thinking. These lessons to kids, were life lessons for all of us. We also face strangers in our life everyday. Every once in a while, greed comes knocking and asks….Do you want more of this?….The ideal answer is NO, but many a times we do not manage it. We come face to face with anger….and let it completely take us away in that car, without asking for a badge….without saying NO first. Hatred makes our acquaintance and we take its hand and get embroiled in its grip. Jealousy works in much the same way and we are hopelessly trapped. All because of our inability to identify them as the strangers to our divine soul, and use our God given intellect to say NO.
As we chewed on this clear thought, it finally dawned. That there was in effect, only one true STRANGER. The mind. That part of the mind that fostered divisiveness. That fed into the duality of existence, denying the oneness of all creation. That part of our mind, led away by the senses, was the one true stranger that created all these other sub facets of it. If we could learn to observe the inner workings of our mind, we might just find the key to saying NO.
